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Joke of the Day

"If you find me passed out in Austin this weekend with a penis drawn on my face at least have the decency to not tag me in the facebook pic."

"I'm glad my son will learn about sex from the internet. Remember how awkward it was when your dad showed you how to two-girls-one-cup?"

"I miss the good ol' days, when no one had a clue what 'gluten' was."

"A joke my grandpa told me... Men start their life from between a woman's thighs, and they spend the rest of their life trying to get back... Talk about home sickness..."

"What's the problem with an invisible penis? You never see it coming."

"There's a reason the iPhone autocorrects ""Yolo"" to ""tool."""

"Facebook should add a hug and kiss button that way people can have a little foreplay before getting poked."

"My Masseuse just read 'Cinderella' to me ~ That's the last time I ask for a happy ending."

"Police arrested two kids yesterday... ...one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

"The average family income has gone up 2% while the cost of living has increased 23%. - Me explaining to my son why he can't have a sister."