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Joke of the Day

"Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into twitter."

"i know why the new windows is windows 10 instead of 9.. its because seven eight nine. im so proud of myself"

"What's the difference between cancer and a black guy? Cancer can get jobs"

"How do cats park their cars? They *purr*allel park"

"Guy: Can I get your number? Me: I kill plants for fun"

"Voting is just like driving. To go forward, choose D. To go backwards, choose R."

"9: Have you seen my harmonica? [flashback to me smashing it with a hammer] me: Did you look under your bed?"

"Told my wife I was taking her on a date to the cheesecake factory and she thought I meant some restaurant"

"I feel bad for men with erectile disfunction, but they all seem to be handling it well. It's like all of them literally can't give a fuck."

"What do you get when you mix birth Control and Lsd? A good trip without kids."