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Joke of the Day

"Predator taking off his mask, but it's me removing the filters from my selfies."

"Me: How do you like being an Uber driver. Driver: I don't work for Uber. Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn't I?"

"Tom Brady ... You the real M.V.P!!!!"

"how much onion does dad use in his bolognese? shallot"

"I was going to cover my bathroom floor with dead baby skin... My wife told be that would be infant tile."

"After watching the Olympics, a little boy says to his mom, ""When I grow up, I want to be like Ryan Lochte!"" She says, ""Honey, you can't have it both ways."""

"So I asked my roommate why life was so hard... (NSFW Language) He responded, ""How else would it fuck you?"""

"Him: I just got stung. I'm allergic. Grab me my EpiPen. Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl."

"How do you circumcise Luke Skywalker? Kick Princess Leia in the jaw."

"A magician... Why did the magician always use trap doors during his act? It was juts a stage he was going through."