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Joke of the Day

"""I've got 99 problems and I'm not dealing with any of them."" (Lay-Z)"

"Paddy wanted to buy a Labrador.. Mick said ""Fuck that, have you seen how many of their owners go blind!"""

"Why can Warren Buffet pull great stock tips out of his ass? He has a tickertapeworm!"

"Overheard two doctors in the emergency ward They were discussing a patient who had arrived with six plastic horses stuck in his rectum. Described his condition as stable."

"What is the difference between a teacher and a train? The teacher says, ""Spit out your gum,"" but a train says, ""Chew chew!"""

"Why is it so hot in a stadium after the game is over? Because all the fans left..."

"*young woman walks by Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don't you think? Me: NO WAY, I'M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT"

"Lit a few candles after my power went out last night. My cat has been scared shitless ever since. Ever since I put the pussy on the chain wax"

"Sorry I haven't returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap."

"I'm not sure why my girlfriend called me a douche this morning... but I guess it explains why her sister smelled so much better after I finished banging her last night credit: /u/thehofstetter"