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Joke of the Day

"when I played the Sims if a sim got hungry/tired I'd just delete them and replace them with a copy who was content so maybe no kids for me"

"Q: What does a king do when he burps? A: He issues a royal pardon."

"GF: You cant keep it. ME: But- G: Its a BEE. M: HES my FRIEND! G: Hand him over. M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!"

"I hate people who... I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious."

"1985: call me on the new line in my room 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me"

"This stray cat on my balcony is looking at me like I'm invading its privacy."

"When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard My second thought is virgin wizard"

"Me: I love you! Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking? Me: It's me...talking to the vodka."

"Did you ask her out? Yes. And? She only dates guys named Matt. Cause she likes to walk all over them? No, tattoo she can't afford to remove."

"What does the flint water crises and Chicago PD have in common? The amount of lead put into black people. (It was funnier over the radio)"