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Joke of the Day

"I asked my husband for the newspaper. ""Don't be silly,"" he said. ""Use my iPad."" That spider never knew what hit it."

"Yea, autocorrect, I meant ""nymph"" instead of ""my phone"" because I am a 16th Century poet."

"(Animal spelling bee) Owl: Your word is Mississippi Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER"

"China always cheat in the Olympics They always use the same person for every sport"

"After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof. We believe you."

"What is Stannis Baratheon's favorite genre of metal? Grindcore"

"My roommates are concerned that I'm using all their kitchen utensils.. but that's a whisk i'm willing to take."

"Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window."

"Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is bullshit!"

"So I went to the doctor for my annual prostate exam today.... I asked the doctor ""Where I should put my pants?"" He replied ""Over there next to mine."""