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Joke of the Day

"I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I'm going to answer it is your second mistake."

"This Xanax script says I should take one daily as needed but I'm pretty sure they meant per child so, including the dogs, that makes five."

"My friend with OCD keeps hitting F5... he says he finds it refreshing. I told him he needs help, now he keeps hitting F1. (edit- thanks to r/supremesnicker for the better punchline.)"

"Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That's how words work people."

"Why does no-one use the rhinos ATM? Because he charges!"

"I had such a crap day. First my ex got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver. Ugh."

"Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses? Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast."

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

"My work has this cute thing they do where if you're really good at your job, they get you to do everyone elses too."

"Whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I wouldn't let a garbanzo bean on my face"