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Joke of the Day

"Fucking dick shit condoms"

"Me: Whatcha doin? 7: a stupid math paper Me: why stupid? 7: Sally has 3,000 pennies; really Sally? Get a debit card!"

"How do they package bread at the bakery? They baguette."

"I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night."

"Mum are the Smiths very poor people? I don't think so Jimmy. Why do you ask? Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin"

"#feelthebern As a Jew I'm not sure Bernie is allowed to say that"

"I'm a shy person with low self-esteem, but I'll tell you a great joke ..if you promise not to laugh."

"Some nights I wonder if the little boy from the sweatshop that made my iPhone is staring up at the same stars I'm Instagraming."

"Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house. *zoom to fish tank* Fish 1: *nods* Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny. *bubbles*"

"*speaks at high school graduation* Your 12 year free trial has expired. To continue your education please submit your credit card info."