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Joke of the Day

"What has no legs but stands firm?? My dick"

"Everybody should be free to vote in a general election. Everybody should be free to vote in the X factor. Nobody should be able to vote in both."

"*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*"

"[First date] So what do you do for a living? ""I'm a florist"" WHY DON'T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT'S LAVA?"

"What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common? No ballroom."

"How does Donald Trump plan to expel all Muslims from the county? Legalize Uber."

"I put my pants on like everybody else. Grudgingly."

"your mama's so fat the government forced her to wear tailights and blinkers so no one else would get hurt"

"[At the register] ""Find everything ok?"" ""No I figured I'd get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again."""

"Two Pieces of Cake Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please? Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!"