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Joke of the Day

"[in bed] M: Do that thing I like H: NO M: Please? H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES"

"OBAMA IS COMING FOR YOUR GUNS!! ME: OMG *clutches guns* [7 years later] ME (frustratedly checking my watch): This guy is taking forever"

"My kid keeps getting his pants leg wrapped in the chain of his bike, it's a vicious cycle."

"What did one boob say to the other? You're my breast friend. We have had so many mammaries together."

"Stupidity is not a crime so you are free to go."

"Me and my girlfriend are just too different... I exist and she doesn't"

"Sometimes ""4 star hotel"" means 4 porn stars have stayed there. In the same room. At the same time. With a camera crew. And a goat."

"When I worked for the USPS a number of years ago I found the work to be slightly monotonous. It really helped me work on my delivery though."

"I thought landlady was the opposite of mermaid?"

"Federal Express is to merge with United Parcel Services The resulting company will be called Federal United Parcels Or FedUp for short"