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Joke of the Day

"My mate lent me 5000 to produce my idea of a fruit-based torch, then took all credit. Cunt stole my limelight."

"Stop with the boxing jokes guys... You're beating a Mayweather's girlfriend here."

"A boy was texting a girl... Boy: How do you spell me Girl: M e Boy: You forgot the d Girl: There's no d in me Boy: Not yet"

"The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers."

"Why don't witches wear panties when flying? To get a better grip on the broomstick."

"For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage ""Wonderwall"" on acoustic guitar and release him back to you"

"There are two secrets to success 1. Never tell anyone all of your secrets 2."

"Disease doesn't care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!"

"my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it's cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot"

"A fun thing to do is to tell a complete stranger that you met your boyfriend on Twitter and then show them a cat."