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Joke of the Day

"Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty"

"Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish. The results speak for themselves."

"Every time I hold a baby I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator. ""18 to life, man. I KNOW IT SMELLS GOOD! Stay with me."""

"I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming ""KITT!"" When he can't find his car."

"Having trouble with your iPhone saying ""No Service""? Just put your shirt and shoes back on."

"What does a sheep, a drum, and a snake all say when falling off of a cliff? Baa-Dum-Sss"

"I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women [FIXED] Turns out they're way harder to pick up than I thought."

"Recently joined the mile high club sandwich. That's when you have sex on a plane, and it's with a sandwich"

"Show me a prostitute that is happy being paid in information about past events... ...and I'll show you a whore that'll go down in history."

"Did you ever realize that almond milk lasts four times longer than regular milk? That's nuts, right?"