212062

Joke of the Day

"ME: can u pick me up in ur claws DRAGON: go AWAY dammit ME: can u just put me in ur mouth plsI wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail"

"phones are so much more than just phones nowadays, like they can also be napkins, or paper towels, or tiny depression machines, or napkins"

"What do you call two guys using the same urinal? Peers"

"Autocorrect has been around for centuries, I got mine when I married my wife."

"I used to be schizophrenic but I'm OK now. No I'm not."

"Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid. *Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger* Get off my lawn before I call the cops"

"My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at. Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Cause it was stuck on the chicken's foot!"

"My wife walked in on me last night and shouted, ""What the hell are you doing with that ivory and gold dress?"" I said, ""It's not what it looks like!"""

"Do you know what he was be for he was Putin ? he was Stalin."

"How does a deaf and dumb tell a secret to another one? He wears mittens."