211996

Joke of the Day

"I love to watch the look of panic on my husband's face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, ""um, these aren't mine."""

"""Because Im a goddamned rock star!"" wasn't the answer my boss was looking for as to why I was late to work, lesson learned."

"My Friend Told Me His Girlfriend Talks a lot in Her Sleep.. ..Apparently ""I Know"" wasn't the right answer."

"What do you call a black man when he is sitting in the cockpit controlling an airplane? A pilot you racist!"

"Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell ""spider"" first. They may even thank you."

"Marriage means commitment. So does insanity. Coincidence?"

"Why won't men perform oral on women the morning after sex? Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?"

"*in the back of a police car* can ya'll hand me the aux cord?"

"My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her. It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home."

"Why do sharks like stoners? Because they're baked snacks."