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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a gay dinosaur? A mega sore ass."

"son, you don't need to close your eyes, it's just a movie. the killer from the movie can still get you even if you're not watching it"

"I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens."

"What is Russia's favorite type of pasta? Putinesca"

"I'm straight but not ""get my alibi"" straight."

"Cocaine I tried and failed to use cocaine. It kept falling off the mirror in the bathroom."

"You're the only one who understands me, last remaining sleeve of Oreo cookies."

"Did you hear about the frog that wasn't good at parking? He had to get toad."

"Signs a Woman Likes You: 1. Eye contact 2. Twirls her hair 3. Laughs at your jokes 4. Follows you 5. Keys your car 6. Kills you"

"Public speaking is the #1 fear of the average person. #2 is death. This means that at a funeral, more people would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. -Jerry Seinfeld"