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Joke of the Day

"I bought my shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day."

"What does a pretentious owl say? Whom whom."

"My friend's boyfriend is an optometrist and a sadomasochist. She says he's a real sight for sore eyes even though he can be a pain in the ass."

"I once bought a hamster And told it to shank my sister. When it didn't, I shanked her myself, with my dick."

"may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning"

"If a redhead works in a bakery... ...does that make him a gingerbread man?"

"Netflix is all, ""Do you want to watch a bunch of crappy documentaries? No?? Well how about if we charged you $9 a month to watch them??"""

"Mall cop wasn't going to let me park in the handicapped space. Then I showed him pictures of me dancing."

"Improve Your Target Shooting by Mr Completely"

"Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I get super sad and want to hug them. I know life is tough for the visually impaired."