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Joke of the Day

"Hi mom, we shot the new Hobbit movie today. I'm orc #56, the one accidentally wearing a watch. The director was really mad."

"Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don't do nuthin dumb Me: That's a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English - hey, come back"

"You should take care of your nipples. They may not seem important now, but when you die, that's where the angels grab you."

"Old MacDonald had a really bad scrabble hand...... E I E I O....."

"I taught my 4yo how to spell 'beer' so he'll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge."

"I spend most of my time waiting for the next big thing to hate."

"What do you call a pessimistic cupcake? A Little Debbie downer."

"Me: Can't wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children. Coworker: I love Halloween. Me: I meant after work today."

"1. Bang knee on table - curse life. 2. Check credit card balance. 3. Think back to sweet moment when you banged knee on table."

"The news said a condom truck overturned, spilled its huge load and made a big mess. I don't know if it got cleaned up because I fell asleep."