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Joke of the Day

"1. Bang knee on table - curse life. 2. Check credit card balance. 3. Think back to sweet moment when you banged knee on table."

"Uh, guys... I just heard from my doctor, and it's bad news. If you've retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out."

"bowie leaves us and then a 9th planet appears, i don't need to read your science article"

"I Have a Wind Powered Car I have to blow into an ignition interlock device to start my car."

"In a surprise move, Taco Bell is acquiring Taco Bueno... It's a hostile tacover."

"A salmon is swimming up a river. It hits a wall. Dam."

"What's a wombat for? For playing wom"

"If we're dating and you call me bae, boo or daddy... I'm walking out on you like, well, your daddy."

"What do you call a turtle with an erection? A slow poke!"

"What's the difference between a potato and a chickpea? You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you."