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Joke of the Day

"Can a kangaroo jump higher than the empire state building? Nope, but it sure can jump higher than the twin towers."

"Watched a documentary about retina surgery the other day.. It was eye-opening."

"Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others? Me: Don't flip out, but I feel like you're asking me that to make yourself look smart."

"I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear."

"My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening"

"Daniel Day-Lewis sent over 20 million emails to prepare for his role as LinkedIn"

"I tattooed the word ""WINNER"" on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts"

"Mum: How can you practice your trumpet and listen to the radio at the same time ? Son: Easy. I have two ears!"

"What kind of jeans does mario wear? [Denim denim denim.](http://youtu.be/rdnTvgK2o5I) ^^^^^^shamelessly ^^^^^^stolen ^^^^^^from ^^^^^^tumblr"

"One Eskimo said to the other, ""Where is your mother from?"" The second Eskimo says ""Alaska."""