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Joke of the Day
"I used to be be indecisive.... ....now I'm not so sure."
Next Joke
"Smoke alarms are really just toast alarms."
"My neighbor's wife asked me if I wanted to help make her husband jealous... I said ""sure!"" and hung myself in the bedroom closet."
"My fitness instructor asked me how flexible I was... So I told him I can't do Tuesdays or Thursdays."
"ME:*lying*omg i have an identical twin too DATE:wow we should all meet up [cut to us at a house of mirrors] DATE: your brother is quiet"
"My dad fought in World War II. I just received an email confirming my order of a maroon cardigan sweater."
"There are two types of people I can't stand. Nosy people, and people who won't tell me what the hell they're whispering about."
"What do you call a hard working machine? Juan Deer"
"Is your name Malaysian Airlines? Cause baby, i'm lost in you."
"He's making a list, He's checking it twice. And now I'm falling asleep. And she's calling a cab."