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Joke of the Day

"My ex just called me, sobbing on the phone to tell me she has AIDS and I should get checked. The hardest part is acting surprised."

"How can we make people tell the truth? ""Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That'll scare the shit out of em"""

"I have an anorexic girlfriend. She's great, but I'm starting to see less and less of her."

"Highway Driving 101: Left Lane: People in a hurry, People who can drive. Right Lane: Elderly People, Asians, Women, Dogs, Infants."

"Joe, why haven't you tossed your hat in the ring for the presidential election? I'm Biden my time."

"What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut."

"A LOT of people have been photobombing my shots of Waldo"

"BEAUTY TIP: avoid unsightly wrinkles by being a sociopath who is incapable of feeling genuine emotions"

"The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven't seen since high school asking what you've been up to these days"

"1. Ask for something. 2. Throw it down. 3. Repeat steps 1 & 2. - Toddler To Do List"