20704

Joke of the Day

"Whats prettier..... ....than watching Ivanka Trump lying on her bed on a Saturday morning? Ivanka Trump lying on MY bed on a Saturday morning."

"It's raining. I'm going to be late for work. I can't fit my hair in the car."

"What do you call a pilot who tries to tell a joke but gets distracted and crashes his plane into a building? A comickaze"

"I just gave a bus full of teenagers the finger before they had a chance to give it to me."

"What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it's still not going to come."

"[At dinner] Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat? Me: Probably like 90% D: So it's 10% balls? Me: *spits out food*"

"Husband: are you cooking something? Me: of course not Husband: the oven timer just went off Me: oh yeah, take the wine out of the freezer"

"Guys, I think I found the Cure to Aids! It requires having a Magic Johnson."

"[about to see a boob for the first time] ""ok, play it cool, play it cool. don't say anything stupid"" [girl removes bra] ""whoopeeee"""

"I hate when people say ""you always want what you don't have"" like that's really insightful and not just explaining the definition of ""want."""