207003

Joke of the Day

"I used to think I was smart, a life-long learner. Turns out I'm just confused all the time."

"Date: ""You're very tall! Do you play basketball?"" Me: ""You're very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?"""

"I just bought bunk beds. The other night I brought a date home. She said, ""I'll get on top."" I said, ""Great, I'll get the ladder."" She said, ""You sure think a lot of yourself, don't you?"""

"Someone asked me if I'd ever taken ecstasy I said, ""No, but I've given it a few times."""

"Therapist: what's your problem today? Me: I have this constant eye roll. Therapist: stop reading your own tweets."

"Where does Crazy Horse live? In an unstable."

"Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That's right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought."

"How do you get a dead turtle to flip itself back over on its feet?... You take the letter F out of way."

"What do you say when your lesbian daughter brings home her girlfriend? ""Are you going to be staying for dinner or eating out?"""

"A man takes his wife out to dinner one night. The wife says, ""I want you to treat me like a princess."" The husband drives his Mercedes into a wall."