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Joke of the Day

"God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I'm a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony."

"Why the big pause................................? Said the man in the pub to the bear. First heard this joke told by Eddie Izzard."

"[interview for CIA] Your resume says you're a master in hand-to-hand wombat. Is that a typo or- *I've already thrown a wombat at his face*"

"I destroyed this girls life with my dick tonight I didn't tell her I had advanced HIV"

"Son: Dad, why'd you name me Achilles? He's from Greek mythology. Dad: Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."

"Son asked me what a cowlick is To which I replied, thats what you call giving oral to Adele."

"Life is like toilet paper you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole."

"What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph, because he is too short to be an essay!"

"""Welcome... To Jurassic Park."" ""But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period--"" ""WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS"""

"Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes."