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Joke of the Day

"When I date single moms, I tell the kids ""I'm just trying to fill the hole left by your father;"

"I was surprised to read that an African doctor treating Ebola patients had died from the disease. Surely he could have stayed a safe distance from the patient while he danced and waved his magic bone."

"I hear that strong instruments are best at the inner city. You always hear the news say, inner city violins this... inner city violins that."

"My teenage daughter is TRYING to say, ""I miss you dad, please take me fishing."" But it keeps coming out like, ""Hey, can I have $20 dollars."""

"Strip search? ... OK, but I'm going to need some background music."

"I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there's no fucking money in there."

"Did you hear about the lesbian construction company? There are no studs, it's all tongue and groove . . ."

"Hey Dora the Explorer, stop talking to me like I'm a FUCKING RETARD!"

"I'm getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, ""Who does something like that?!"""

"What did the mobster call it when he couldn't move his dead friend's body? Rigatoni!"