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Joke of the Day

"If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge....Like by poisoning their food."

"What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady? We would never know cuz he cant stand up"

"That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called ""Asian."""

"You ever notice when your phone decides to call someone its someone you don't want to talk to.!"

"""Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say beautiful instead."" ""Fine. Can you pass me the beautiful sauce then?"""

"Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick Me: not if I'm banking on them eating my body"

"I was arrested for washing my pants without taking the cash out of my pockets. They charged me for laundering money."

"i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it"

"I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that'll come back to bite me."

"Time really flies by. Seems like only yesterday I was just a young apprentice-bater."