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Joke of the Day

"[Dads birthday] ""Make a wish Dad"" *Dad blows out candles *Looks around *Looks @ wife Where did our son go? -What son? *Dad cries with joy"

"HER: this isn't working out ME: is it because I'm too literal? HER: I just don't want to see you any more ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*"

"Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto? A: Music Minus One."

"What do witches use pencil sharpeners for? To keep their hats pointed."

"The other day I got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it, you know what I call that? I call that unfortunate."

"""I put my gear back in fourth."" - Willow Smith learning to drive, maybe."

"My angry wife said: ""I hope you spend an eternity in hell !"".... I said, ""Why wait? I'll take you clothes shopping right now""."

"Why did the fat monster put a candle on his tummy? He was celebrating his girthday!"

"The best way to run into that hot person you've been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can."

"Everyone needs to chill the hell out about Roe V. Wade. Honestly, they're both valid ways to get across water."