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Joke of the Day

"How do you get an elderly lady to say f***? Get another one to say bingo"

"It's awful being in a wheelchair everyone is always pushing me around and talking behind my back"

"Someone wrote ""retard"" on my car window. Took me ages to lick it off"

"Why doesn't smokey the bear have a wife? Anytime she gets hot, he beats her with a shovel."

"I walked into a room full of people masturbating They looked surprised when I didn't stop"

"[Ring] ""Expert Namer Guy"" You the dude that named anteater? ""Yep"" I got a bug. Not moving. Has wings though. ""Mayfly"" *muffled* oh he's good"

"My friend the Scarecrow just got a promotion He was outstanding in his field"

"7:55 pm: Pours Diet Coke over fries to prevent self from eating them. 8:03 pm: Eats soggy Diet Coke fries."

"I don't understand the trend of Chinese restaurants with ""NO MSG!"" signs. Why would I eat somewhere that I can't send texts?"

"I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids. 72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine."