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Joke of the Day

"Daddy daddy, why do I keep walking in circles? Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."

"I didn't get my period this month or any month prior to that. If I'm pregnant my parents will flip. Also science, science will also flip."

"Why can't Kimbo Slice beat Mike Tyson? Because he's dead."

"How do you drown a hipster? Drag him into the mainstream."

"3YO: Why do I have to share a room with my twin sister? ME: Because we only anticipated having one of you."

"I like my women how I like my fish. Battered. I thought of it all by myself! :D"

"In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact."

"I know a lot of clever jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over peoples heads."

"Me: They were gone. All of them. Just gone. I've never felt so alone. Therapist: So, after the donuts were gone, then what did you do?"

"Where do suicide bombers go when they die? EVERYWHERE"