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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about the guy with five penises? His condom fit like a glove."

"Why did the farmer make a high-pitched gasp? Because he was tired of the sigh-low."

"It's so hard explaining puns to kleptomaniacs they take things literally"

"Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?"

"I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony."

"Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years."

"Officer: We're building the Death Star as fast as we can. Vader: I have new ways to motivate you. *implements margarita Tuesdays*"

"Give me coffee to change the things I can change and wine to accept the things I can't."

"Eating McDonald's because you're hungry is exactly like sucking dick because you're lonely That meat is no good for you and I do it about once a month"

"Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won't remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me."