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Joke of the Day

"They say if your erection lasts... They say if your erection lasts more than 4 hours that you should call a doctor... I say you should tell your wife to call some friends!"

"How's Bud Light like having sex in a canoe? They're both fucking pretty close to water."

"You'll never know how funny a tweet can be until you think of all the ways after posting it."

"A man asked his wife ""what would you do if i won the lottery?"" She said ""take half and leave your ass."" ""Good,"" he replied. I won twelve dollars, here's six, now get out."""

"do you think my parents divorced because I'm too handsome like they said"

"Optimism The eternal belief that you're always one-third of the way to a threesome."

"Men are creepy, super creepy, but also a lady just stood on the same escalator step as me and lit a lighter and just held it the whole ride."

"If I rule the world first thing I'll do is add a extra day into the weekend right after Saturday.. It will be called Matterday... It won't matter what you do that day"

"Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming."

"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer! I don't know what he laced them with, *but I have been tripping all day*."