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Joke of the Day

"When I see an ugly guy buying condoms, I restore my faith in myself by thinking that he bought them only because balloons weren't available"

"Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password? Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily] THIS IS A FUNERAL Me: *[Types in] THIS IS A FUNERAL"

"What do you call... What do you call a deer with no eyes? -No idea What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? -Still no idea"

"Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday."

"The hardest part about online dating... Finding someone who clicks with you."

"What does Acetone and Hitler have in common? They're both Polish removers!"

"What is the one thing you shouldn't do at a funeral? The corpse."

"A Jewish boy asks his father for 10 dollars His father replies, ""5 dollars? What do you need 2 dollars for?"""

"Why couldn't we get precise kinetic data on the phosphine-catalyzed reaction? The reaction rate was too phos-phor-us"

"Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals -Sent from your iPhone."