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Joke of the Day

"I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm... ...the loud ringing noise from it was giving me a headache and making me dizzy."

"The year is 42069. We've stopped changing the date, it's just always the year 42069 and people spell their names with emojis. It's awesome."

"Sausage festivals... They're the wurst kind."

"What's a vampire cows worst fear? Steaks."

"[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend"

"What do you call two gay scientists breaking up? A homolytic fission."

"Keep your coworkers on their feet by beginning your next e-mail with ""If you're reading this, I'm already dead."""

"I Set my alarm clock to 9:11. So I would ""never forget"""

"Man walks into a bar... ...with a piece of tarmac under his arm, says to the barman 'give us a pint and one for the road...'"

"What happens to a drunk vampire? They get a fangover."