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Joke of the Day

"My daughter just announced she's SICK of stupid-ass people. I said ""Oh darlin, you're gonna feel ill for a long time.. they're everywhere."""

"A banker friend of mine had a breakup recently He lost interest."

"We're gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were ""Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!"""

"Just walking down the ""Gluten Free"" aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone's carts."

"I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area, Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app."

"Two Calamari Two calamari walk into a pub. Bartender asks, ""What'll ya have?"" ""We'll have a Hurricane and a Sex On the Beach"" says squid A. Bartender pauses and says, ""That'll be three squid then."""

"A man walks into a restaurant in Mainland China. He calls the waiter over and tells him, 'That steak was rubbery.' 'Thank you for the compriment, sir, and have a rubbery evening!'"

"If you lie down on the floor in McDonald's you get to meet the manager"

"Prominently display feminine hygiene products in your living space to let him know your eggs are still viable."

"Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there what are you taking for it? Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me?"