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Joke of the Day

"Police - OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR"

"I saw a car with ""Wash Me"" written on it, so I set it on fire. I'll be damned if I'm going to allow cars to become sentient!"

"my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner"

"So I have half a joke about a guy, Who is really shook up about his Parkinson's diagnosis... But I just cant quite put my finger on the punchline."

"[first day as a doctor] You seem depressed. Also you look underweight, how's your diet? [nurse interrupts me] ""Dr that's the model skeleton"""

"If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth."

"If someone says you're a nice person, these things will happen: 1) They will ask you for a favor. 2) You will not get laid."

"Facebook So I was in a public library and saw a homeless man I had seen around town on facebook. It got pretty depressing because the page wouldn't load every time he tried to click 'home'..."

"Just found a hole in my sock and now I'm worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant."

"A Roman walks into a bar.... A roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers. ""5 pints please."""