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Joke of the Day

"That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit"

"God: make alcohol really fun Angel: haha ok God: but it makes them stupid Angel: i dont know if- God: and if they have too much they die"

"""And now it's time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!"" - Cat game shows"

"I had sex while camping yesterday. It was fucking in tents!"

"How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? ...pick it up and suck it's dick."

"What did the surfer say to David Carradine? Hang tight"

"I am still paying... A little boy asked his father, ""Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"" Father replied, ""I don't know son, I'm still paying."""

"How do painters stay warm? They add another coat."

"Please follow the instructions 1) Read all instructions 2) Sacrifice a goat 3) Cut off your fingers 4) Eat glass 5) Only do number one"

"Bar joke Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says ""wow that's cool. Where did you get that?"" The parrot says Africa. ."