203278

Joke of the Day

"*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*"

"I told the doctor I had to see him right away because I thought I was shrinking. He said he was busy and I'd just have to be a little patient."

"Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle."

"Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can't even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?"

"Is Bill Cosby guilty? Is Bill Cosby guilty of all these crimes against women? Well, we shall see, cuz the proof is in the pudding!"

"What do you call two couches that are in love with each other? Homosectionals."

"My brief gig as a lounge singer ended when I asked 4 requests & realized I didn't know the song ""Get Off the Stage or Die."" Elvis, maybe?"

"Pro tip: Next time you're at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper ""Hey, wanna get outta here?"" If she says yes, you can sit where she was."

"Why don't the circus lions eat the clowns? They taste funny!"

"What do you call a woman in the living room? A tourist."