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Joke of the Day

"You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best."

"I walked into a store today... ...and they were selling explosives disguised as prayer mats. I wasn't one to judge them; after all, they'd said prophets were going through the roof."

"Future Headline: ""Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies, Hillary Caught Using Friend's Netflix Password Undecideds Still On The Fence"""

"What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?"

"Why do Americans spell it as 'color' and not 'colour'? Because fuck u that's why."

"Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control I'm stepping through the door & I'm floating in a most peculiar way GC: New phone. Who dis?"

"Have you heard of the Y-values? I heard they're all the range."

"when I die I want you to save my skull and use me as a paperweight (and kiss me when no one is looking)"

"What happens when doughnuts join a sorority? They have to go through the glazing. I'm sorry I'm a baker it just came to me... Pun-ishment is in order."

"What do you call an illegitimate fish who crapped itself? A bassturd"