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Joke of the Day

"when I die I want you to save my skull and use me as a paperweight (and kiss me when no one is looking)"

"When you see a girl who was hot in high school, but a decade later she's not https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-RfZDiayDI"

"My cleaning lady always leaves me a list of supplies she needs to clean the house. Not sure what she needs 20 boxes of cold medicine though"

"...: who do you listen to more? Mummy or daddy? 5y: mummy ...: why? 5y: mummy talks more"

"A guy on the street just said ""nice feet"" to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?"

"A picture may say a thousand words, but with Photoshop, it tells a thousand lies."

"I bought some new shoes today from my dealer. The only problem is I don't know what she laced them with, and have been tripping all day."

"*on my deathbed* *groggy, dazed, & delirious* Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me? Wife: Honey, what's a TC? Me: *pulls plug*"

"Anytime a person with a journalism degree writes a story about a celebrity getting bangs, Walter Cronkite punches an angel."

"Why are bananas never lonely? Because they hang around in bunches."