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Joke of the Day

"I could win the Nobel Peace Prize and not feel as accomplished as I do when I successfully put together something from Ikea."

"Are you all just gonna keep ignoring how fucked up knees look when a person is standing?"

"Acorns must come from France. That would explain the tiny berets."

"I was playing the valve trombone today. I tried to put a mute in, but it charged me."

"What's the hardest thing about being an audiophile? Convincing the sound to get into your van."

"Im on a sea food diet I sea food and I eat it."

"My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I'm thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY."

"""What is your greatest strength""? Brevity."

"Why do elephants prefer peanuts to caviar? Because they're easier to get at the ballpark."

"He told me he was uncomfortable dating someone with so much inflatable furniture."