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Joke of the Day

"I texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her it was over. I'm Ruthless."

"Pretty sure most of the people in coffee shops on lap tops are just writing letters to their parents asking if they can move back home."

"Ordering beef: ""Was this killed humanely? Did it suffer?"" Ordering lobster: ""I'd like to rip this to pieces in front of its entire family."""

"Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell ""spider"" first. They may even thank you."

"Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? Because its pecker is on its head. That was on South Park last night and made me lose it."

"What do you get if you cross a river with a bridge? to the other side."

"Two fish are in a tank... The first fish says to the second fish, ""How do we drive this thing?"""

"I have an irrational fear of elevators I always feel like they are going to let me down someday."

"Why do hipsters drink their Jello? They want to have it before it's cool."

"I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn't 6 hours long."