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Joke of the Day

"Just been to the shop and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas. I can't believe the currant exchange rate"

"How can you tell when a mechanic has had sex? When one of his fingers is clean."

"It concerns me when someone comes out of the bathroom stall and has to wash their hands all the way up to their elbows"

"I wish my grass was more emo. Then it would cut itself."

"If you see me with a water bottle, there's probably vodka in it"

"Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?"

"Hell is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies."

"Netflix is red, Xanax is blue. Put them together for a fun afternoon."

"i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha"

"I've been watching a bird do a mating dance for half an hour now, it's working, I want him."