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Joke of the Day

"I asked the grocery store man if they had eggnog and he's like ""We only carry it at Christmastime"" so I was all ""Whatever, Hitler."""

"Your baby was cute until I realized you're on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid."

"Girlfriend: ""Does this dress make me look fat?"" Me: ""Stop blaming the dresses."

"Why don't nice people ride the train? Because they're usually found on trucks."

"How do you find a velociraptor? By taking the integral of the acceleraptor! Me: http://imgur.com/H8rLjub Everyone else: http://imgur.com/J3hC4Ci"

"Give a man a gun he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the whole world"

"Do you guys remember that party at Bill Cosby's last weekend? Me neither."

"Jesus told Peter, ""Peter, come forth and receive my eternal blessing"" But Peter came fifth and had to eat the biscuit"

"What happened to the tyrannical fruit? He was impeached!"

"Blah blah blah employee handbook, just get to the point where you say if you're gonna drug test me or not"