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Joke of the Day

"I asked the grocery store man if they had eggnog and he's like ""We only carry it at Christmastime"" so I was all ""Whatever, Hitler."""

"Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe."

"Best thing ever is when you see your X-Girlfriend and she is now your XL-girlfriend"

"Back in my day, we didn't have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered"

"How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to hold it in place and forty more to get drunk enough to make the room start spinning."

"""If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-"" *interrupting* haha, he said prick"

"My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine."

"*Takes drive down memory lane *Gets a DUI"

"What Do You Call a Girl Who Doesn't Do Kegels? A lazy cunt!"

"How do you keep an idiot waiting?"