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Joke of the Day

"Things that cause extreme panic: - Accidentally liking a Tweet - No milk - Unknown numbers - The question ""you don't remember me do you?"""

"I'd do a joke about amphibians. But they've all been toad."

"Temperatures last night dropped into the high 80s. Flannel PJs and a heavy down comforter kept my teeth from chattering too loudly."

"Why is it so hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things literally."

"Customer: You said these pants were pure wool but the label says ""all cotton."" Salesman: Oh that's just to keep the moths away."

"How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Not sure, first they have to figure out which way to spin it."

" I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one."

"What I want for Xmas... I asked Santa for a sister. He asked for my mom."

"I lost 15 pounds by moving my bathroom scales from a hard surface to carpet! Great success!"

"Why is it easy to arrange for private yoga classes with a teacher? They are flexible."