201937

Joke of the Day

"Why doesn't ISIS attack Israel? Same reason children don't attack their parents..."

"""HEY I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY ASLEEP & STUFF, BUT I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M LIKE 22 MILES AWAY FROM YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW."" -Trains"

"I sleep better naked...why can't the flight attendant understand this?"

"My life is a constant struggle between wanting people to text me and never wanting to reply to texts."

"Your son has been suspended ""for what?"" He hit a kid who was picking on another child ""so what, yall ran out of ice cream to give him?"""

"What's the difference between a woman's argument and a knife? A knife has a point."

"[2 Humans who definitely aren't lizard people at Denny's] 1: I sure am glad they don't have newt brain on the menu 2: Right on, fellow human"

"Calling in sick to work... Me: Im not gonna be able to make it to work today bossman I'm sick Boss: You don't sound sick...? Me: Well, I'm fucking my sister, IS THAT SICK ENOUGH FOR YOU"

"I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping."

"who many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb? two. one to screw in the bulb and and to hold the cock, LADDER!"