201769

Joke of the Day

"Him: ""I killed the spider for you. He suffered."" Me: ( slowly turns around in swivel chair) ""Splendid."""

"What started feminism? An unlocked kitchen door."

"""Adorkable,"" I say nervously, looking into the bathroom mirror. ""Adorkable. Adorkable."" A fire erupts behind me. Zooey Deschanel emerges."

"I was going to make a joke about that bus that rolled over and killed the driver and 9 passengers... But there's no pun in ten dead."

"My friends hate me because I make too many Linkin Park references. but in the end it doesn't even matter."

"Why did the Vampire's girlfriend break up with him? Because he was pain in the neck!"

"What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre."

"Q: How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb? A: Scotsmen don't change light bulbs it's cheaper to sit in the dark"

"My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my.. *golf swings* Pennefactor."

"5yo: OMG I'M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I'M GONNA DIIIIIEE!! *eats 3 fries* 5yo: Can I be done?"