201063

Joke of the Day

"hi rappers i have been shaking dat ass all night and i am exhausted can you make a song about sitting and watching tv at a reasonable volume"

"""Can you read Chinese?"" ""Yes but only when it's printed in English."""

"Father Christmas:I like the story about the girl who steals from the rich and gives it all to Granny. Elf: That's Little Red Robin Hood'!"

"Alcohol is nothing but poison But I drink because there are just things inside of me that need to die."

"[Water cooler] -Looks like you had a wild weekend! How'd you get the scratches? *flash back to me bathing my cat* -Uh, this chick bro. Yeah."

"My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you. Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair. (silence)"

"Mexican Word of the Day: Canoli I canoli jack off with one hand at a time."

"The year is 1981. Everybody's working for the weekend. 2044: the weekend becomes sentient. 2048: Everybody's working for the weekend."

"Why did the musician give his daughters the same name? So he could yell ""Anna 1, Anna 2!"""

"Twitter goes over capacity more than Kirstie Alley's home elevator."