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Joke of the Day

"Toilet won't stop throwing up. I didn't know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL"

"I just broke up with a hoarder... I'm the only thing she could get rid of"

"Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming. EDIT: Also, I don't want my time to go to waist. Courtesy of /u/Carter127"

"I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die."

"Half Life 3 was going to be released several years ago... ...But the voice actor for Gordon Freeman was supposed to announce it, and no-one can find him."

"Do I want Internet Explorer to remember my password? Do you want a wild raccoon to babysit your family?"

"I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore"

"Your words of wisdom make me want to seek the tranquility and comfort of a mental institution."

"*Stands at produce aisle *Grabs GIANT zucchini *Holds it high in the air *Yells: Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!"

"I witnessed an attempted murder earlier... Luckily only one crow showed up..."