199573

Joke of the Day

"McDonalds just started their Monopoly game again with an increased 1 in 4 chance of winning a prize/obesity/explosive diarrhea!"

"Boss: Did you bring the reports? Me: Hold on. *reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers* Boss: I resign. You're the boss now."

"Two wrongs don't make a right. And two half-wits don't make a wit."

"Thanks for letting everyone on facebook know your phone is broken. I was already thinking about never calling or texting you anyway."

"so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it"

"Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity."

"I'm definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit."

"The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it."

"Bush Senior broke his neck He was trying to show Jeb Bush how to dodge wrenches, hey Jeb if George can dog a shoe then I can dog wrench!"

"You can't tell me what to do, you're not my dog"