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Joke of the Day

"Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity."

"Whoever coined the phrase ""smooth as a baby's bottom"" must have been a real creep."

"[landlord walks in apartment] ""I told you no pets!"" That's a stray gerbil. ""And those fish??"" ...stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM"

"Instead of being buried or cremated, I've arranged to be liquidized. I'm not going to a funeral if I can't get drunk."

"Do you know who REALLY gets irony? Skydiving schools. Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate! *releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*"

"I'm not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons"

"how many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three, the right ear, the left ear and the final frontier"

"What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool? Show me your mussels."

"What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? The hooker can wash her crack and sell it again."

"Got fired from the firedepartment Guess putting a sticker saying 'find em hot and leave em dripping' wasn't a good thing to put on our truck"